I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
