Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
