seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
