spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
