My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
