I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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