I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
