Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
