He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
