There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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