Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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