i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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