I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
