69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
