Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
