New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Panties = found
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
