Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
