Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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