oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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