So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
