I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
