She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
