i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
