i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
