Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
