I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
