Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize
