Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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