I am midnight drunk by noon
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Vodka?
Forever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
