I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize