all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
