I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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