margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
