I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
