I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
