so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
