The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
