We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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