How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
