she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
