He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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