yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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