I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm really busy with my period
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