We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
