I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
