did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
