Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
