Pants 0. Shit 1.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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