I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
