I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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