Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize