so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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