trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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