So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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