apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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