She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize