i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
