Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
