Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
