I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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