those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
